Akatsuki Slave Drivers: A novel

In the glorious technological boom of the 21st century, the epoch of cool media and not-so-cool media, and a time where Amazon Prime drones will soon be flying over our houses to deliver us superfluous goods, many of which are probably pizza, there’s still only one story-telling venue I truly need to satiate my bloodlust and regular lust, especially when it comes to Naruto. That venue is fanfiction!

Fanfiction is great. Thanks to the tireless efforts of the fans, no longer lost are the opportunities of what could have been for a series. Take, for example, “blood of a sakura tree,” a collaboration between the writer Aliagame and her mysterious friend, known only as Kristen, who ditches the partnership after chapter 2 (fortunately, Alia presses on for another fourteen entries. God bless.)

Have you ever wondered what it would be like if the Akatsuki took over the world, demanding routine virgin sacrifices to satisfy their ritualistic torture sessions, and when Sakura is chosen, she’s spared from the crop because Sasori is in love with her? Me neither! Fortunately, these two have, and they want to invite us along for the ride. Onward, into this smut-tastic fairyland of hypothetical strangeness!

I hope you like it we have been working a while on this we took the risk and snuck it into class at great personal risk. We plan to update every Monday.

I picture this fanfiction as a Great Dane they have artlessly stowed in their backpacks as they pussyfoot into Shakespeare 101. Shenanigans ensue. I might do fic reviews every Monday just in honor of that.

Kristen: Stop boring them Alia, get on with the story already. Kristen would like to point out that she thought of that line

Thank god, I was wondering to whom I should mail this Oscar.

Alia: Okay since we can’t stop fighting Sasori will have to do the disclaimer.

After all, Sasori is the patron saint of arbitrary copyright laws.

Sasori: We do not own Naruto and if we did Sasuke wouldn’t turn evil and Deidara and Sasori would get more show time.

Hey, this might not be so bad after all!

Sakura P.O.V

I TAKE IT BACK!! I TAKE IT BACK!!!*hiss*

Drip, drip, drop even the heavens seemed to agree with the G-d forsaken former residents of the once mighty village of Konoha.

I’m going to have to stop already. G-d? You censored “God?” What am I, some caveman atheist with strangely specific word-induced catatonia? Only two of those things are true, you insensitive swine.

Sakura and her late family were amongst the few who stayed behind.

Meet the Meats! A hilarious sit-com about Sakura’s ins and outs living with her family of corpses!

People were dying and Sakura was powerless.

She needs the blood of the living innocent to survive.

And then the orders started coming 20 young virgins every two years. Today had been the choosing and along with Ino she had been taken.

That’s right, everyone. The Akatsuki’s lifelong goal was to pilfer some post-apocalyptic hoo-ha. Though I’m surprised they have twenty in a village of dead people.

Flashback

Sakura had awoken with an portentous feeling that day. As she looked outside to see the heavens raining, she had been jealous of its ability to cry.

Plus, Sakura’s dream was to be a cloud. You just have to rub everything in her face, don’t you sky?!

She felt so alone and today was the choosing. She knew she would be taken, she could feel it in her heart. She knew she should care but she didn’t, her life was over. There was nothing left. It was better to die now so no one else did before she betrayed her village.

End flashback

What flashback? There was no flashbacking anywhere near that paragraph! Not everything that goes on inside a character’s mind is a flashback! Sometimes they think thoughts with that 3-pound fleshy thingy floating around inside their head!

On the way to the square, she past many buildings and monuments that jarred painful memories of happier times, her eyes were heavy but she no longer cried.

You won this one, sky.

The biggest betrayal had been the most personal. Everyone said the new hokage and the one who had ordered her friend’s death had been Saskue.

Saskue is Sasuke’s other brother, not to be confused with their nephews, Sasqueue, Sas-BBQ, y ¡¿Sasqué?!

She was awakened from her thoughts by a man who looked wasted from his many nights at the local bar.

Though it was also quite possible he was another dead person. Sakura had trouble telling those apart from regular people.

He grabbed a girl who she vaguely knew and shook her “what’s the matter sweetheart” he asked her viciously. She began to tremble and within minutes was on the floor crying hysterically.

He literally sat there for minutes, twiddling his thumbs and patiently awaiting a candid response.

“Don’t know why Hidan wants you but it can’t be good. Get up Bitch.”

It’s probably because her name is Bitch. There are two places you can go with a name like Bitch and only half of them are “kennel.”

She held out her hand for her to grab and she grabbed it.

“Grab!” cried Bitch grabbily while tossing her a grab bag.

For days they traveled. On more than one occasion she thought of herself as cattle being shipped off to be given away.

When it wasn’t a cadaver, it was a cow! Gosh relationships were hard for Sakura.

Some of the girls had collapsed and Sakura had spent all her chakra in healing them.

“We’re trying to sleep, you clingy harpy.” But that was silly, because Sakura knew that corpses can’t talk. Or can they?

He roughly grabbed her and pulled her off the wagon. They began to march up the hill. On top of the hill stood a compound made out of stone.

And on top of the compound was a rusty weathervane, and on top of the weathervane was a particular cricket, and on top of that cricket was the sky! It all leads back to that bastard.

It was not tall only two stories but it was wide spanning out over 800 yards.

“Ah, shit. Can anyone help roll these up?” Sakura said, as the two shoots of measuring tape recoiled back into her eyes.

There were no windows only slits in the wall to alloy oxygen.

I think you’re gonna need some new slits, buddy.

She looked up; it was raining.

G-d fucking dammit sky!

At the head of the group was a red haired female.

It’s about time Sasori showed up.

In the court yard there were flowers of every type and even some fruit trees.

Unless they were cows?!

Out from the shadows stepped and man with silver hair slicked back. He was wearing the infamous robes of the Akatsuki.

Wait, I’m putting two and two together here! Could it be he’s–?!

He was officially known as the immortal Hidan.

That was way off from my guess. I was going to guess a cow.

His vampire eyes alone scared her enough.

But worse yet were his werewolf fangs and don’t even get me started on that Dullahan scythe he’s carrying.

Sasori P.O.V

Aaaaaaaaaand cliffhanger!

As the red head paced the courtyard his mind was a blur. He was infuriated at his partner Deidara. The brat had stupidly broke another puppet.

I don’t know if it’s more annoying that the authors don’t understand the omniscient 3rd person or less.

He was an impatient man and was not forgiving.

Unless that forgiveness involves tits and pink hair! Am I right?!

Sasori had promptly taught the blond a lesson. Even this form of revenge did not quench his anger so here was nostrils flared, looking for ideas to get back at his poor excuse of a partner.

But first he quenched his thirst with Gatorade!

Buy Gatorade.

He was brought out of his malicious thoughts by a cry.

Not now, sky. I’m in the zone, as it were.

Sasori looked as the girls as they huddled in a group facing Hidan, trying to seek comfort from one another.

Except Sakura, because ew? Dead bodies are icky?

Over the years his heart had gone hard

along with certain other things

and torture was no longer a surprise, however even though it was not his style he had grown to accept it was the favorite style of the majority of the other akatsukis.

Deidara S&M scene, pleaaaaaaase Deidara S&M scene!!

He was looked back at Hidan and saw he was giving an introduction on how they should not be wrathful because they were sacrificing their life for a good cause, his jashin. “Good cause my, Ass,” said a girl with striking pink hair.

“Yeah, you tell ‘em,” said Ass. Jashin doesn’t even like cows.

He was fascinated by one fact though; instead of weak arms like the rest of the group hers were toned and strong.

His years of closeted pining for Michelle Obama had not been enough! Here was the real deal!

Flash back

Tho ught

The last thing he saw was determination in her eyes, as if to say the battle wasn’t over and she would continue trying.

They were actually screaming “800 yards! 800 yards!” before the confetti of paper rulers spouted out.

He wondered if he should finish her now.

But the other hand, he wanted to save room for dessert. He decided he’d get a box and take her home. This place had tartufos! Mmmm.

He glanced back at her one more time and ran off in the other direction.

On second thought I should have gotten carry-ooooooouuuuuuuuut!

The whole episode (no pun intended)

ur a cow (pun intended)

came back to him. He stepped out of his hidden place to confront Hidan.

Just as Sakura stepped from her Hidan place to confront hidden.

Hidan turned to look at him with an angry expression. “What are you doing disrupting my ritual?”

EVERYTHING I DO IS A RITUAL SASORI YOU’RE EMBARRASSING ME IN FRONT OF MY VIRGIN SACRIFICES

So he whispered a couple of words to Hidan( mainly some black mail about the last Akatsuki bathroom crisis) and five minutes later Sakura was handed over to the custody of Sasori no Dana of Akatsuki.

I hate how that story always takes five minutes exactly. In any case, at least he had those toned arms now. He let himself fantasize about all the Gatorades they would open together.

And now for chapter 2 hopefully soon, Review please if you find the time we like constructive critics.

Why didn’t you take Ass? Name five things you can’t do with a girl named Ass.

Wow. What a journey. Finally, I understand why that couldn’t happen in the real Naruto series, and it’s not just because they couldn’t oust Michael Jordan as the face of Gatorade. Or because of all the cow specialists they’d have to get on set. It’s probably because it would be too mindnumbingly awesome.

You can read the chapters that follow on your own here!

2 thoughts on “Akatsuki Slave Drivers: A novel

  1. Haha, I loved your review. The fanfic was written a while ago and I have been to lazy to update it/ re-edit. Thanks for the funny critique, it made me smile. Keep writing. Ps. What’s with the Gatorade?

hmmmmm...

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